Things Ranulf Is No Longer Allowed To Do
by the Ambassador
Summary: FE9 crackiness. Ranulf beggars belief, and two members of the Crimean Liberation Army find some common ground in agreeing that.


A/N: Cracky Path of Radiance era silliness, spoiler free. Written because I love these two snarks dearly. Slight Ike/Soren implied, because let's face it, those two are so obvious it ain't even funny; also onesided Ike/Ranulf.

I don't own Fire Emblem(awww), the Hedgehog Song(probably a good thing), or the Kama Sutra(that's Legault's).

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_Things That Ranulf Is No Longer Allowed To Do In Gallia, by Lethe_

_1. No longer allowed to flirt with visiting dignitaries.  
2. Especially when said dignitaries are male, beorc, married, insane, or all of the above.  
3. Not allowed anywhere near watermelons. Ever. Again.  
4. Not allowed to teach small children the Hedgehog Song. Not unless you want to explain to their parents where they heard such language.  
5. Not allowed to sneak down to the kitchens and switch the tea for catnip. No matter how funny you think it is to watch everyone get stoned.  
6. Not allowed to suggest that international politics would go a lot better if everyone involved was stoned.  
7. Not allowed to encourage Lyre in her bad behaviour. She doesn't need your help.  
8. No longer allowed to wander the halls of Gallia Castle impersonating a ghost.  
9. Not allowed to claim that you are possessed and need an exorcism when asked to stop your ghost impersonations.  
10. No. More. Streaking._

Another ordinary day with the Crimean Liberation Army. The smell of Mist's cooking in the air, the wild screams of Kieran practising axemanship, a tent full of weapons to inventorise, and...a furtive looking cat-laguz darting in? Soren blinked in case he was seeing things, but however much he did so, he could still see Lethe in front of him.

Well, that was unexpected. Normally Lethe avoided the weapons stores like the plague, lest someone think she saw the merit of beorc steel(except in the case of her fruit knife). Soren held out for all of two seconds before curiosity got the best of him and he asked her brusquely, "What are you doing in here?"

"Why shouldn't I be in here, if I want to be?" Lethe snapped back.

"Because you normally refuse to come near either the weapons store or me," replied Soren tartly. "Not that I mind."

"Hah! Well, I'm certainly not here for the pleasure of your company!" Lethe didn't stick out her tongue. She was a grown woman, and sticking out one's tongue is behaviour suitable for small children. Really.

"You wound me." Soren didn't stick his tongue out either. He would never do anything so childish. At least, that's what he _says_.

"Pesky human," snapped Lethe, trying to hide inside a chest and finding it full of magic tomes.

"Annoying subhuman," Soren shot back.

Racial slurs exchanged, they ignored each other pointedly, and silence fell-until Lethe broke it by muttering unwillingly, "If you _must_ know, I'm trying to hide from Ranulf."

"Ah," said Soren, understandingly. He didn't need to say anything else on the subject. Then, in the tones of one who knows he is not going to like the answer but is asking anyway, "What is he doing this time?"

"You may well ask." Lethe shook her head in disbelief. "He-well, he and Janaff and Tormod, and Prince Reyson is egging them on-are playing some kind of mad game which consists of rolling down the hill inside empty barrels which they have acquired from Ashera knows where, and trying to knock people over. Mordecai is trying to get them to calm down. I wish him luck," she added, sarcastically, the implication being that trying to get Ranulf to behave sanely was in the same league as the historical King Knut of Daein's much-publicised ambition to turn back the tide.

Soren shook his head as well. "There is something wrong with that..._man_," he said, to nobody in particular.

Lethe snorted. "_Something_? How about_ everything_! He is utterly insane, far too excitable, _disgustingly_ over-cheerful-"

"Oh, I agree," Soren interrupted, nodding vehemently. "Wanders around with that stupid grin on his face, like he's just been concussed."

"-never shuts up for five minutes together-"

"-and never says anything that makes sense, don't forget that-"

"-and refuses to take _anything _seriously!" Lethe ground her teeth. "One day someone will murder him, and I hope it shall be _me_."

"Not if I get there first," said Soren, meaningly.

"_I_ have the right to kill him," Lethe objected, "he's been annoying me for centuries. _You've_ only had to put up with him for a few months."

"Maybe," conceded Soren, but added in dark tones, "but the amount of mischief he has gotten up to in those few months beggars belief."

"Hmph," said Lethe, meaning she knew he had a point but was not going to admit it.

Silence fell for awhile. Soren got on with inventorying, but counted the same rack of spears twice because he was too busy reflecting on the madness of Ranulf. Lethe sat down on the chest of tomes.

"It's a pity we can't really kill him," she said wistfully, after awhile.

Soren looked up from his sums to ask, "Why not?"

Lethe snorted; she _thought_ he was joking. "I would never be able to explain it to King Caineghis."

"We could do it on the battlefield and make it look like it was the enemy's fault," offered Soren.

Lethe considered this. "Tempting, but no. It would be too difficult to cover up. Besides, Ranulf would probably come back as a ghost and haunt us."

Soren snorted with laughter. "The ghost of Ranulf! Oh, _very_ scary!"

"Throwing things around and spying on people while they were undressed. I find that one has to believe Ranulf capable of absolutely _anything_," explained Lethe gloomily. "So far he has not disappointed."

"He can't be worse than Kieran," said Soren practically. "Or Boyd-or Gatrie."

"_You_ don't know about the kama sutra watermelons," replied Lethe darkly.

"The kami-what watermelons?"

"Kama sutra. It's a Goldoan thing he got off of Nasir. You don't want to know," she added, in response to his questioning look.

"No, tell me," persisted Soren. "I'll always be wondering, elsewise."

She told him.

Soren listened. Then, his face set in a rictus of fascinated horror, he said slowly, "Those Goldoans are sick, twisted bastards."

"Agreed."

_Things Ranulf Is No Longer Allowed To Do While Travelling With The Crimean Liberation Army, by Soren_

_1. No longer allowed to flirt with Ike.  
2. No longer allowed to talk to Ike.  
3. In fact, no longer allowed to get within a hundred metres of Ike, at any time, ever.  
4. No longer allowed to steal provisions to feed to Ilyana 'to see how long it takes before she explodes'.  
5. No longer allowed to turn up on the battlefield cross dressed in pink and ribbons, claiming that this is a cunning stratagem to confuse and dishearten the enemy. It confuses and disheartens _us_ just as much.  
6. No longer allowed to claim that this is hypocrisy. A. Tunic. Is. Not. A. _Dress_.  
7. No longer allowed to replace the Crimean standard with a banner made from undergarments stolen from every female member of the army. Not unless you _want_ to be torn apart by a pack of enraged women.  
8. No longer allowed to make up ridiculous stories and tell them to Gatrie. He will _believe _them.  
9. No longer allowed to wake everyone up at bloodfuck o' clock in the morning by howling drunkenly that we are all heathens because you are the supreme god and nobody worships you.  
10. No longer allowed to paint all the weapons pink, and where the hell did you get that much pink paint from anyway?!_

"-so then we were finding soap in odd places for weeks, but he was sorry for it later, because I put it in his dinner and you should have seen him froth at the mouth!"

Ike hadn't meant to enter the weapons tent, but when he heard the gales of laughter coming from inside his curiosity was piqued. What he saw there made him seriously wonder if the stress of command was getting to him.

Lethe, sitting on a chest full of tomes; Soren, perched on a crate of staves. Both of them in fits of laughter at a story Lethe was telling, and apparently getting on very well indeed.

"Oh, I wish I had seen that!" crowed Soren, wiping tears from his eyes with the end of his sash. "But I have an idea even better than that one. See, there was this one time Shinon was making a nuisance of himself, even more than normal that is, so I got some scissors-oh, hullo Ike-some scissors and a large amount of clay, and-"

"I've gone mad, haven't I," said Ike to himself.

_Things That Soren And Lethe Should Not Be Allowed To Do, If There Was Any Justice In The World, by Ranulf_

_1. Not allowed to team up and prank me. I'm the one that does pranks! _Me_!  
2. Not allowed to tag-team-snark me. You're bad enough individually!  
3. In fact, not allowed to gang up at all. What is with you two lately? It's too disturbing, and it's just not _fair_!_

**-fin-**

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**_For 'Kierkegaarde'._**

**_Red white and blue upon a birthday cake, my brother he was born on the Fourth of July._**

**_(Yes, I know it's not the fourth now, but I'd finished writing this and I just couldn't wait those three days! Sorry.)_**


End file.
